I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
