I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
