I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
