Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
