Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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