Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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