My first STD was from a foam party
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
