I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
