Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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