I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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