So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
a search helicopter?!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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