it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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