Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
