8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
