shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
