I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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