Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
