Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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