wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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