was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
