what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
