I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
