So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
