This girl is more easily done than said...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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