Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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