Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
