I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
