I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
