Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
