Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
