I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
