Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
