Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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