Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
