you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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