Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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