just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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