a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
