So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
