I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
