Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
