You just made me feel so damn special
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
