If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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