Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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