i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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