Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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