I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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