no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
