Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
