Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
