omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
