I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
